1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,760
This programme contains adult humour.

2
00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:05,600
My name's Louise,
and I'm an alcoholic.

3
00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:07,760
How can you stay with someone
who doesn't want kids?

4
00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,640
Because I can get a baby.
I know how to go about it.

5
00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:12,160
I will have my heir!

6
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:13,640
Donna won't have my baby.

7
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,600
I've come to reclaim Corinthian.

8
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:30,440
with bubbles in it

9
00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,600
I can't believe that happened.

10
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:55,240
Gaz walking in here,
demanding our baby.

11
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,520
It was a bit crazy, wasn't it?

12
00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:59,680
No, Jonny, I'll tell you
what was crazy.

13
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:02,160
What was crazy was you
handing the baby over.

14
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Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

15
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What possessed you?

16
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I don't know. I was watching
Channel Four the night before...

17
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Don't you dare blame Derren Brown
for this, Jonny. Don't you dare.

18
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:21,920
I'm sorry. At least Gaz didn't
get very far though.

19
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Did he, rusky chops, no?

20
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What if he comes back
dressed as a washerwoman?

21
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:31,560
Why would I let a washerwoman into
the house?  You let that one in.

22
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,520
Get out! We can't afford your wares.

23
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:42,440
You're right, Janet.
We've got to stop letting people
into this family.

24
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,960
It's us against the world.
Yes, we need to protect our family.

25
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We could be like the mafia.
Or those twins in the East End,

26
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Ronnie and...Ronnie.

27
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The Two Ronnies.

28
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We don't need anybody else.

29
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We can wash our own clothes,

30
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and grow our own food.

31
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I intend to become a farmer.
I'm going to start now.

32
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Goodbye, Janet. Goodbye, Corinthian.

33
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:11,480
Goodbye from me and goodbye
from him. Goodbye.

34
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:24,200
Gaz, I don't need this.
I've got a job interview.

35
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Gaz, what did you expect?

36
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How could you possibly think
Jonny and Janet would hand over
their first born son?

37
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Maybe I should have said "please".

38
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Look, this is a real problem.
We've got to sort it out.

39
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:44,840
How? I need to reproduce and
you want to work for a living.

40
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:47,640
How do we get over your selfishness?

41
00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:53,440
Well, if it's just a need to
reproduce, have you thought about
becoming a sperm donor?

42
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:57,680
Just think, you'd be getting paid
for attending a masturbatorium.

43
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,640
That's my dream job.

44
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,640
Who needs one baby? This time
next year I could have thousands!

45
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:07,440
Yeah, so you're going to do it?

46
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,880
Make a messy deposit
down the wank bank?

47
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:14,760
Yeah. Thank you, Donna, yeah.
This is a big sacrifice for you.

48
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:18,560
No, it's fine.  What I mean is, if I'm
paying all my sperm in at Barclays,

49
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,080
there's going to be none left to
spend all over you.

50
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,640
Well, I've thought about that, too.

51
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:29,480
And there is an answer.
Have you heard of tantric sex?

52
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,840
It's the one where you go all night
without having an orgasm.

53
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:36,840
No, you go all night
and it's one long orgasm.

54
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:42,880
Increasing in intensity,
hour after hour, wave after wave
of deep sexual pleasure.

55
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:49,640
It takes a while to learn though.
You don't get there straight away.

56
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Good. Cos when you were describing
it, I got there straight away.

57
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Pint of booze, please.

58
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,320
Whoa! You were going to do it,
weren't you?

59
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:13,520
You were going to hand over
a pint of booze to a
card-carrying recovering alcoholic.

60
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:17,720
It's one in the afternoon.
If I weren't serving alcoholics,
I'd be out of a job.

61
00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:21,240
And what if I were to ask you
for a big bag of heroin?

62
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,600
That'll knock you back a pony.
Take it away!

63
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,960
Shame. It's good shit.

64
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,360
Don't you realise what danger
you're in, selling that stuff?

65
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,840
Some Colombian drugs baron
might turn up and...

66
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:39,800
wipe yo' ass.

67
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,880
I've got this as back-up.

68
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,120
What if someone wrestles it off you?

69
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:51,320
I've got this as back-up!

70
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:55,000
Oh, my God!  Oh, it's not loaded.

71
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No, it's not loaded.

72
00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:01,560
Donna, did you see that?
She just pointed a gun at me.

73
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,880
That Kelly. She's a one.

74
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,960
I didn't realise what a
dangerous world this is.

75
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:14,680
But since I began to recover from my
alcoholism, I've come to see that
in a very real way, I'm all alone.

76
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,200
Just me, and the alcohol,

77
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:19,080
that I don't drink.

78
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,960
It's times like this
you really need your friends.

79
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Friends are the new family.

80
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Donna!

81
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That's smashing, Lou, but
I'm a bit busy at the moment.

82
00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:33,440
Forget it, friends aren't the new
family. Family is the new family.

83
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:37,640
And I'm going to find a new family
and be friends with it.

84
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,720
Yeah, good luck with that.

85
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:41,280
So where's Gaz?

86
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,360
Too scared to face me?

87
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:47,960
Too humbled by my
awesome family-protecting power?

88
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:54,760
No...he's just had to nip to
the bank.  Will he manage a pint?

89
00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,680
I'd be very impressed if he did.

90
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:03,000
What?  He's at the sperm bank, Jonny.

91
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,480
Hey, it's £15 a pop.
You should give it a go.

92
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:09,520
I would, but Janet's got a thing
about me masturbating for money,

93
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:12,600
ever since that incident
at the garden centre.

94
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,040
What incident?
Well, it's a long story.

95
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:19,760
A man gave me money to masturbate.

96
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:22,320
Actually, it's a short story.

97
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:26,040
Anyway, I'd best get back to work.
I'm sorry, back to what?

98
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,960
Work. I've got a job.

99
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,840
Bloody hell, Jonny. Congratulations.
As what?

100
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A farmer.

101
00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:38,160
The best way to provide for
the family is to grow what we need.

102
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It's given me a whole new
perspective. Hold on.

103
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It's given me a whole
new perspective on life.

104
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And what are you growing?

105
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Mainly crops.

106
00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:00,760
What kind of crops?  All kinds.

107
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Leafy crops.

108
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Wheaty crops.

109
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Croppity crops.

110
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KNOCK AT DOOR

111
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,760
Who is it?!  It's me, Louise.

112
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,760
Prove it!

113
00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:27,680
What?

114
00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:31,720
How do I know you're not Gaz?
Do I sound like Gaz?

115
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,160
You might be on helium.

116
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,120
You might have come to
steal Corinthian again.

117
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,480
Put your fingers
through the letterbox.  Why?

118
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,520
So I can sniff them.

119
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:49,280
Gaz's fingers have a very
specific and unique aroma.

120
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:52,080
Of Gaz's bollocks.

121
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,560
Just taking a few
sensible precautions.

122
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:06,920
You probably think it's a
bit extreme.  I don't actually.

123
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:10,800
It's nice to feel safe.
I've just had a gun pointed at me.

124
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,640
That Kelly.

125
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,040
She's a one.

126
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,080
And Jonny and Donna
weren't interested.

127
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,840
You're all I've got, Janet.
The only one who really cares.

128
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:27,720
Aw, Lou.  You've got such a
wonderful life here, and you're
right to be protective.

129
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:31,240
We do try to be as warm
and as welcoming as we can.

130
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:35,240
As far as I'm concerned,
you can be a part of our family.

131
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,200
Take your thieving hands off my...

132
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:42,880
I mean,
would you like a fig biscuit?

133
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:51,600
Good morning.
Is this the sperm bank?

134
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,520
We're a fertility clinic, sir.

135
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,320
Just say it's a sperm bank though.

136
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,760
It's a sperm bank.

137
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:01,040
Then I'd like to open an account.

138
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,000
Fill this in.

139
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,360
It's just like a real bank, innit?

140
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,600
I heard you were looking
for sperm donors, so I came
as quickly as I could.

141
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:21,480
Beats keeping it all under
the mattress, eh love?  Any more?

142
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,520
No, that's it.

143
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:28,680
OK, so what happens next?

144
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:31,240
Fill this up.

145
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,920
I heard there were magazines.

146
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:36,800
That's correct.

147
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:40,840
We've got Hello and People's
Friend for the easily aroused.

148
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:45,560
Razzle and Penthouse
for the mainstream.

149
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:49,800
Eskimo Housewives and Deaf Lesbians
for the specialist market.

150
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,120
Sir?

151
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,880
You had me at Hello.

152
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:05,280
I'm going to get a guard dog.
That should keep Gaz away.

153
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:08,200
No, not a guard dog...a guard sheep!

154
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:14,480
Don't worry about Gaz. Cos once
we're having tantric sex all night

155
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:18,920
he'll be, as the Hindu mystics say,
shagged out.

156
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:24,200
Good.  I didn't realise how
obsessed he was with having kids.

157
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,720
Well, you should have done.  True,
all the classic signs were there.

158
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,680
The holes in the condoms.
The fake contraceptive tablets.

159
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:35,480
The ice cube tray full of semen at
the back of the freezer compartment.

160
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:40,920
Lovely.  That was one
margarita that didn't need salt.

161
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:44,440
KNOCK AT DOOR
Jonny's home! Positions, Janet!

162
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,000
Perform the secret knock.

163
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,720
Being part of this family
is so exciting.

164
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:56,080
RHYTHMIC KNOCKING

165
00:10:56,080 --> 00:11:02,400
KNOCKING CONTINUES

166
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,040
BELL RINGS

167
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:25,760
It's Jonny.  You're insane.
No, we're not.

168
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:32,040
Is this a carrot in my pocket or
do I have a misshapen orange penis?

169
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:35,200
Which?

170
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,960
Both.  Oh, well done, Jonny!

171
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,480
And I'm glad you're here to see it,

172
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:45,600
Miss I Don't Believe You're A
Farmer, And I Have Little Faith In
Your Ability To Grow Croppity Crops.

173
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:48,400
You've grown that today, have you?
Yep.

174
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:52,000
Well, Jonny, clearly
I was wrong to doubt you.

175
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,920
Yes, you were. Well done, Jonny.

176
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:57,920
Such a wonderful family,
aren't they?

177
00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,280
You're insane. The lot of you.

178
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:04,480
That's what YOU say. I say,
"Eat my carrot." Go on, eat it!

179
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:13,120
Gaz? Gaz, are you awake?

180
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,760
Of course I'm awake.
We're having sexual intercourse.

181
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,280
Right, sorry.

182
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:24,360
Are you experiencing wave after
wave of intense sexual pleasure?

183
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,200
Not so much really, no.

184
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,280
Are you?  Not yet.

185
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:35,800
There was something about
half an hour ago, but I think
it was pins and needles.

186
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,520
Shall we knock it on the head?
No! That would well hurt!

187
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,560
But it's been hours and hours.

188
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,640
We should try moving around a bit.

189
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,480
Give it another 10 minutes.

190
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:48,000
If nothing happens, I'll
stick my finger up your arse.

191
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,960
How will I know it's been 10 minutes?
You'll know.

192
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:03,640
There's your cider.  Thank'ee.

193
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,280
What-ee? And what's with the swedes?

194
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:12,360
I know! They're a crazy
nation and no mistake.

195
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:17,240
Get these root vegetables out of my
pub!  They won't be here long.

196
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:20,040
Once word gets round of what I'm
doing.  What are you doing?

197
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,280
Farmer's market.

198
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,840
I've become completely
self-sufficient.

199
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:28,080
Like...that guy off the telly.
In the Seventies. Curly hair.

200
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:31,760
Spent all his time in his back
garden.  Fred West.  That's the one.

201
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,400
That'll be £2 for the cider, please.

202
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,800
I haven't got cash.
We take cheques.

203
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:42,400
Haven't got a cheque.  Debit card,
Switch, luncheon vouchers, stamps,

204
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:47,240
gold ingots, Vietnamese Dongs, Euros,
non-negotiable bearer bonds?

205
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:51,080
I'll gladly give you this leek.

206
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:54,160
Right, out!  No, I'm bartering.

207
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,400
I offer you a leek,
you demand a turnip.

208
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,440
We haggle for a while and
then you settle on an aubergine.

209
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,600
Are you prepared to
settle on an aubergine?

210
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:07,240
Jonny, people don't come
to this pub to swap veg.

211
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:11,480
They come for the drink and the crack
and I sell them drink and crack.

212
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:15,080
Now, get out!

213
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:20,840
Yes, hello, police.

214
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,640
It's Janet Keogh.

215
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:24,400
We're all still fine.

216
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,920
I'll call you again in an hour.
Thanks.

217
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:33,200
Sorry about that, Donna.  Anyway, it
was the most boring night of my life.

218
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,880
For the first three hours we just sat
on the floor staring at each other.

219
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:40,920
Or rather,
I stared at Gaz staring at my tits.

220
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:46,320
I got so bored I started
squeezing them together to
make him go cross-eyed.

221
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:51,360
You need to make more effort
to keep him happy and keep
his smelly fingers off my family.

222
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:55,200
KNOCK AT DOOR
What's the secret knock, Jonny?

223
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:58,680
RHYTHMIC KNOCKING BEGINS

224
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:06,880
Hello.  Hello.

225
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,960
We need to change the secret knock.
The washerwoman's cracked it.

226
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:14,760
Look, I've told you, we cannot
afford your wares! Now, shoo.

227
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:17,840
I'm off to seduce Gaz. Wish me luck.
Good luck.

228
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,880
Louise? Isn't it about
time you were leaving?

229
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,120
Oh, no. I'm staying all day.

230
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,760
We've made chocolate cornflakes,
haven't we, Janet?

231
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:31,120
Yes, and don't they look delicious!
Can I lick the bowl, please? Can I?

232
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,280
She's lonely.
I'm just helping her out.

233
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:40,000
And she's a useful person
to have around.  How?

234
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,840
Because if Gaz comes back...
I can get him in a headlock.

235
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:49,640
While Janet punches him repeatedly
in the face.  That's lovely.

236
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:59,000
Gaz, I've brought some whipped cream,
some whipped caramel and some whips.

237
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,040
MYSTICAL EASTERN MUSIC

238
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,080
And I'm going out with a woman.

239
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,920
I know you're afraid.
It's all right to be afraid.

240
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,920
Embrace your fear.

241
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:17,360
I'm not afraid Gaz, I'm frustrated.

242
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,760
I'm very, very frustrated.

243
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,120
It's all right to be frustrated.

244
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,880
Embrace your frustration.
I'd rather embrace something else.

245
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:28,920
And here's a clue
as to what that might be.

246
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,840
Your cock.

247
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:34,840
Sorry, life partner. My righteous
seed is all going to the bank.

248
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:38,360
They take all your details
so they can track you down.

249
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:43,880
I hope that in 18 years from now,
some fine man or woman will turn up
on my doorstep and call me Dad.

250
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:45,720
Well, that's very nice.

251
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:49,000
He'll want to know the story of
how he came into the world. So...

252
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,040
I took this video to show him.

253
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,160
And there's the money.

254
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:08,880
Don't be ashamed, Donna.
The vital force is within us all.

255
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,720
Well, put some in me then!
Come on, Gaz...

256
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,800
a good old-fashioned seeing-to,
like the old days, remember?

257
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,320
When we used to race
against the Countdown clock.

258
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,960
True fulfilment lies in stillness
and time.

259
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:29,680
One can not attain
true karmic balance
unless you're prepared to wait.

260
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,200
Have you been reading up on this?

261
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:40,440
Ommmmmmmmmm.

262
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,200
Oh, god!

263
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,840
Do we have to do this?
Those crops won't crop themselves.

264
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:51,320
Yes, we do, we've hardly
any photos of the family.

265
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:54,440
It'll be handy for the newspapers
if one of us gets snatched.

266
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,360
That's lovely. Both move in a bit.

267
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,240
Nice smiles.

268
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:13,200
Beautiful.  Um, Louise, can we have
one of just the family now?

269
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,720
Oh, OK.  I hope you don't mind.

270
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,680
Of course not.

271
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,200
Ready? And...

272
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,920
That's more like it.

273
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,440
Louise is here a lot these days,
isn't she?  I suppose so.

274
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:37,280
And that's brilliant.

275
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,280
I love Louise.

276
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,800
But on the other hand,
I really hate her.

277
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:45,800
So can you send her home now?
I told you before.

278
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,280
She needs her friends around her.

279
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:51,480
Can I stay here tonight, Janet?  No.

280
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:57,600
Oh, please. I'm bored of visiting
my comatose mother whacked
out on painkillers all day.

281
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:02,240
You're a farmer, you know what
it's like tending vegetables.

282
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:07,880
Still no.  And Gaz might come round
in the night and steal the baby.

283
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,360
Of course you can stay, Louise.
Thanks, Mum.

284
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:15,720
What?  What?

285
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:18,000
What?  Did you just call her Mum?

286
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,440
Don't be silly. Why would I do that?

287
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:25,680
Now then, Louise, who wants to go
and help reset the man-traps?
Me, me, me!

288
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,240
Listen, Louise.

289
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,880
I don't know what psychological
problem you've got,

290
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,720
but Janet is not your mum.
She's mine and don't you forget it!

291
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:41,320
Morning, Janice.
My usual beaker please, love.

292
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,920
Magazine?

293
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,440
Got the new Razzle in this morning.

294
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:47,440
You can have first splash.

295
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,280
Thank you, no.

296
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:54,560
I don't need magazines. My vital
energies can flow by themselves.

297
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,160
Go in peace.

298
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:05,200
You look exhausted.  So would you
if you'd been up all night.

299
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,280
The seduction techniques worked?

300
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,800
Bet he was an animal
after all this time.

301
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:12,680
Yes, a panda.

302
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:18,160
Just sat there for eight hours
impaled like a static kebab.

303
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,200
And still no orgasm?

304
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,680
Well, not until well after he'd left.

305
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,600
Look, just keep him happy, Donna.
Don't let him get restless.

306
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:30,480
You're not still stressed over
him claiming the baby?

307
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,680
No. He did us a favour actually.

308
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,080
He's brought us closer together
as a family.

309
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,080
If you say so.
But I am worried about you.

310
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:45,080
Why?  Because you seem to
have replaced your baby
with some kind of root vegetable.

311
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,840
It's a swede.

312
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:52,280
Can you see how that's
slightly unusual behaviour?

313
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:59,520
It's a decoy. If Gaz returns to
snatch him, all he'll get is this
swede and Corinthian is quite safe.

314
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:02,600
Where is he?  Louise!

315
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:11,920
You've gone barmy. You've gone too
far into Geri Halliwell land, Janet.

316
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:15,160
You've got to get out of this house.
Oh, that's your plan, is it?

317
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:19,720
I suppose Gaz is waiting behind the
wall...  Gaz isn't waiting anywhere.

318
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:23,360
You've said the baby's safe here
with Louise. Just come for a drink.

319
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:26,120
It's what normal,
non-crazy parents do.

320
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:29,360
All right. Louise,
lock the door behind me.

321
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:31,880
If I'm not back in an hour,
call the police.

322
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,120
And if Gaz comes back,
remember the drill.

323
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,760
You've been practicing?

324
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,800
No. I bought a drill.

325
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,760
Mr Wilkinson?

326
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:55,520
Are you all right in there?  Yes.

327
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:58,360
Um, are you nearly finished?

328
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,240
I'm getting there.

329
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,800
It's just that you've
been in there six hours.

330
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,960
We're about to lock up.

331
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,320
Just...five more minutes.

332
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:12,440
I really think I should be at home.

333
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:16,960
You think you've got problems.
My boyfriend refuses
to have proper sex with me.

334
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:19,600
I can do you some powdered
rhino horn for 20 quid.

335
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,840
Are you sure Corinthian's
going to be all right back there?

336
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:28,640
Corinthian is perfectly safe.
No-one's going to steal him -

337
00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:31,880
not Gaz, not me, not the washerwoman.

338
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:35,840
Look, we can't afford your wares!
Now shoo! Shoo!

339
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:39,760
So stop worrying about kidnapping!
How can I, Donna?

340
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:43,920
Babies get stolen all the time.
You hear about it in films.

341
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:48,240
Janet, if someone's going to steal
your baby, they don't just walk
in your house and ask for it.

342
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:50,800
That's the stupid thing to do.
That's the Gaz thing to do.

343
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,840
So what would happen?

344
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:58,520
Well, it'd most likely be a woman.
Someone lonely.
Someone without a family of her own.

345
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:04,400
And she wouldn't just barge in.
She'd act like a friend,
get under the radar.  Oh, my god.

346
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:09,040
What?  I've been blind. All this time
I've been frightened of Gaz

347
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:13,440
when the real danger was sat next to
me eating chocolate cornflakes.

348
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:17,400
Not her.

349
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:21,280
Louise! Don't you see?
What are you talking about?  Kelly.

350
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,720
I need you to get something for me.

351
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:30,400
and never to part

352
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:38,160
would move heaven and Earth

353
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:43,920
DOOR SLAMS

354
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,400
Janet, guess what I milked!

355
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:48,440
Oh.

356
00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:51,680
You're still here.
Course I am. I live here.

357
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,720
Louise, I want you out.

358
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:55,480
Not so sure about that, Jonny.

359
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:58,080
Perhaps we should talk about
your farming first.

360
00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:01,960
What about it?  Very good at growing
vegetables, aren't you, Jonny?

361
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:03,800
I know my onions.

362
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:08,440
Bringing home swedes, watermelons,
a coconut.

363
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:11,440
Janet must be very proud.

364
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,640
It'd be a shame if she saw this.

365
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:18,400
I can't believe you'd keep a
receipt for one carrot.

366
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,520
Damn VAT returns!

367
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,840
So I'm afraid I'll be staying
until Janet asks me to leave.

368
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,320
And I can't see that
happening, can you?

369
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,320
Get out of my house!

370
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:34,520
You had me for a while but I know
your little game, and it's over.

371
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:38,480
Janet, I'm so sorry. It was only
a few trips to the greengrocers.

372
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,360
Not you, her.
Oh, right. Guess what I milked?

373
00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:46,360
You don't scare me, Janet.
You wouldn't hurt me.

374
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:49,040
Oh, that gun's not even loaded.

375
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:51,880
Oh, yeah?
Then how come it can do this?

376
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,720
CLICK

377
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,000
Nice one, Kelly.

378
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:59,280
BANG!

379
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:03,160
I'm sorry, Janet.

380
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:06,200
I didn't do anything but I'm sorry
and I'll never do it again.

381
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,680
Jonny, you can have your mum back.
Aaaaargh!

382
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:11,760
BABY CRIES

383
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:18,000
Oh Jonny, what have I become?

384
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,240
A mental bitch.

385
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:27,440
I was only trying to
make our lives better.

386
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:32,000
Janet, you can't make this
family any better than it is.

387
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:35,520
Because we're perfect already?
No, because we're shit.

388
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:42,040
We keep trying to improve
ourselves and it never works.
Let's just enjoy the shit.

389
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:44,840
But what if someone tries
to break up our family again?

390
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:49,800
That's the beauty of it.
The crapper we are, the less likely
anyone will be jealous of us.

391
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,800
Our feebleness makes us stronger.

392
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,800
Jonny, that's almost intelligent.

393
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:00,520
Now tell me what you've milked.

394
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:04,600
Well, I said we'd become
self-sufficient, and we have.

395
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:06,240
Janet...

396
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:08,880
I milked myself.

397
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:14,720
That's it, it's all over
for me and tantric sex.  What?

398
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:18,600
I've been in that wank tank all day
and not one ounce of cock snot.

399
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:21,320
Gaz.  I want my old life back.
Come on, let's do it,

400
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:24,840
no foreplay, no cuddling, I want
nought to sticky in 10 seconds.

401
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:28,720
Gaz.  We have to. Otherwise the sperm
bank's going to close my account.

402
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:30,960
They're going to close it anyway.

403
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:33,320
What?

404
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:36,360
They sent you this letter today.
I opened it, as I do all your post.

405
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:39,680
Oh, Britannia sent you
"The Best of Ella Fitzgerald".

406
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,800
The sperm bank tested
the first sample that you gave

407
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:46,400
and it turns out that you're...

408
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,560
Firing blanks.

409
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:54,480
Firing blanks?!

410
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,560
You wouldn't think they'd use
that phrase in a formal letter.

411
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:03,560
All them future Gazes.
Never to be born, eh?

412
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:07,080
All that time I've wasted when I
could've been banging you rigid.

413
00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:09,440
Gaz, I'm so sorry.

414
00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:14,280
Ah, well, at least they don't want
their money back, eh?

415
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:17,840
There's a...PS on the back.

416
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:30,520
I've come to apply for the position
of bar manager. Can I have a form?

417
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:33,520
I've come to apply for
the position of bar manager.

418
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:36,040
Can I have a ooohhhhh?